Real stories about dating, relationships and sex in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

The Lies We Tell Ourselves About Love

All kinds of things bounce around twitter. Quotes from famous people. Social media stats. Links to videos. And sometimes, random shit about love.

Speaking of random shit about love, here’s a doozy:

This was bouncing around a while ago. I grabbed it in a screenshot, knowing I’d want to write about it, sooner or later.

“If you truly love someone you forgive the unforgivable…”

Really?

Let’s talk about this. First, before it’s possible to have a (coherent) conversation, I think it’s important to acknowledge that “unforgivable” is a word without static meaning. What is unforgivable for you, might not be for me.  And vice versa. Further, what is unforgivable (by me) is likely to change over time. So, unforgivable is a relative thing, at best.

And then, of course, forgiving the unforgivable... If it were actually unforgivable, you wouldn’t be able to forgive it.

But let’s skip that, for now, and focus on the fact that most people (I assume it’s most) have at some point in their life been in a situation where they’ve forgiven someone they loved for a previously unforgivable act.

I’ve certainly done it.  And believe me, some of the unforgivable things I’ve forgiven have been ridiculous.

I thought that that was what people did. Forgave. Whatever it was. No matter how ridiculous. How painful and humiliating and utterly demoralizing. Forgiveness was a sign that my feelings were true and real. Proof that I was passing some kind of bizarre cosmic test.

Which is all really a load of crap. Some things shouldn’t be forgiven. Some people don’t deserve it. Neither our love or our forgiveness. And attempting to prove, to them or to the universe, that we are worthy by forgiving their nonsense is nothing but a sign of foolishness.

I think.

Or maybe I just don’t get it. Whatever it is.

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Blast from the Past – Luck Luck Luck Luck Luck – > There, I said it!

This has been a seriously week. So long, that I’m too tired to write the post that I’ve been thinking about writing. So, I thought now would be the perfect time to share one of my favorite posts from last summer.

Luck Luck Luck Luck Luck – > There, I said it!

I was chatting with a friend over dinner last night. He’s single. I’m single. We’d each prefer to be in a relationship, if it were the right one/a good one. But we’re not in relationships. *shrug*

And I said that the thing that upsets me most about the single/dating industry (of which, I realize, I’m kinda a part of) is that for all of the advice and books and how-tos, you seldom read/see anyone talking about luck. Lots of stuff about recognizing your past mistakes, breaking old patterns, being positive, focusing on what you want… none of which is bad advice. But it’s pretty much unheard of to click on some relationship-advice-givers link and see, Sometimes it’s just about luck. Or something to that effect.

I know couples who’ve met in airports. I met the first great love of my life in a hotel lobby. Every day there are people who meet their future mates on airplanes, trains, buses.

Luck.

One of my dearest friends met his partner while he was away for the weekend. They were each away for the weekend, in the same obscure beach town, getting away from bad breakups. Neither wanted to be involved with anyone, seriously, for a long while. And then they met and within weeks they were attached at the hip. They’ve been together for over 12 years, since.

Luck.

It’s a big world. Huge. And we humans are complicated creatures. I don’t know why I fell in love, all of those years ago, with the totally inappropriate stranger in that hotel lobby (although I’m sure there are many, many people who’d like to posit theories). And I have no idea why he fell in love with me. I just know that we did. That we had an instant connection of the type I’ve seldom felt since.

If my timing were different, by just 5 or 10 minutes, he and I never would have met. And a big chunk of my adult life might have worked out differently. But my timing wasn’t different. I was sitting in exactly the right place at exactly the right time to meet him… Things worked out the way they did. About which I’m neither happy or sad. I figure it all happened the way it did for a reason.

Luck.

I know there are people who don’t believe in luck. Who believe that we attract good things to ourselves (with positive energy, or something like that). I respectfully think that’s a load of shite.

At the same time, I understand why people don’t like to talk about the role luck plays in our lives. People like control. Or at least the illusion of control. You can’t control luck.

Even in the shopping cart crazy world of online dating, luck is out there, affecting our outcomes. There are weeks when I’m just too busy to deal with my inbox. Sometimes several weeks in a row. And then, sometimes, when I get to it, the guys who’ve written to me have disappeared. Maybe one of those disappearing men might have been perfect for me, if only I’d gotten to his email sooner?

Luck.

Sorry folks, you can fool some of the people some of the time and all that crap. But luck plays a bigger role in our lives than most people are willing to admit. We are not in control. Get over it.

******************************************

There were lots of great comments on the original post. You should go read them!

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